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I feel like a horse on a carousel....with some chipped paint and the endless toil of spinning and jumping up and down over and over again, all the while carrying some heavy load with no end in sight...other than a fat ass elephant and a fucking pink giraffe!! My mind is completely busy....OCD, the trip home, my battle with my running and consequently my weight...the constant pressure to stop the smoking and numbbinding drinking....being mommy...being the roommate for him...the perfect daughter...and the soldier to lead those who follow. I am really tired....someone please pull the plug.

Is it an addiction or is it just pure disregard for my feelings? He hurt me again. Why? Why, I ask? I can't take this pain again. I can't go thru this with him once more. It almost killed me before, and I have way more stress and physical weakness this time. I can't fight back any longer. He won't stop. He doesn't care how much it hurts. He says "I'm sorry".. I say, don't be sorry, be careful! Sorry doesn't mean shit anymore....just empty words with no reality behind them. He is the most selfish person I know. This time is too much. I don't know how I can raise her by myself. My job takes so much from her as it is. I am going to have to quit. I have worked so hard and all for fucking nothing...to be lonely and scared again. No one will ever believe me....they'll say...well, it must be her....she can't keep a man...has to be her.

Maybe it is ...I want to die sometimes, but I love her too much to leave her behind. I am so sorry.